Tech Support
by tajlund1
Summary: Just an average day in tech support.


**Tech Support**

 **A Monster Hunter International Tale**

By Anthony Lund

I was sleeping, of course. The trilling of a phone at 4:30 AM is a remarkable alarm clock. I had sprung out of bed and was halfway across the room before I realized what was happening. I composed myself and answered my phone.

"Tech Support, this is James, how may I help you?"

The voice on the other line sounded on the verge of outright panic. "The previous tech support people transferred me here and said you could help me."

"No problem sir, please describe your problem in as much detail as possible."

"I was working on my computer earlier and the screen turned black. Then red things, runes I guess they're called, began to appear on the screen."

"No problem, sir, I believe I can help you with this. Have you tried turning off and turning it on again?"

"The computer tried to bite me when I tried to shut it down."

"Very well, is it currently unplugged?"

"Yes, but it didn't change anything."

While speaking with the client I was searching my tech support manual. First for Black Screen, then Red Runes. Still too many results.

"Okay, let's try something else, sir. Is there smoke? If so, what color?"

"Umm, It's like a grey/green mist. But, I think you should know my walls are kind of spongy, moist, and seem to be breathing."

"That's not a big problem right now sir, I just need to know if you can access your kitchen safely."

"I think so."

"Excellent, please go to your kitchen and get a container of salt. Let me know when you are back at the computer."

"Okay, I'm back with the salt. But, things are weirder, there are growths all over the walls, ceiling, and floor. My windows aren't showing the outside, only grey."

"Please go to your front door and look out the door window if you can. If there's no window, please crack the door. Let me know what you see outside."

"Outside the door looks normal, should I leave."

"No, that would be very bad at this point. Please remain in the house. What I need you to do is pour a line of salt across the doorway. Your windows should be fine. Unless you frequently enter and exit your house through them. Please repeat this action at any other doorways to the outside then come back on with me."

While the client was doing this I accessed my email and sent off a quick email.

JRand to Support

Have an incident. According to logs it's Bob M 2231 Greenview, Rock Springs, WY. Tech support incident type 7715. Need rapid response unit. Attempting to troubleshoot using standard procedures. If failure need fully armed response. If success will need cleanup and victim control. No, MCB required.

"Okay, I finished, but I think things have gone really bad here. The whole house seems like it is a living thing. Strange green flesh everywhere, some kind of blood vessels. Are you sure I shouldn't get out?"

"No, no, do not attempt to leave. That would be bad for you and for everyone else in existence. This is just a standard EDV. Extra-Dimensional Virus. No reason to panic. We just have to do some more troubleshooting and everything will be all right. First is your keyboard still recognizable as such?"

"It's got eyes, but seems to be a keyboard at this point. I can even mostly recognize the letters on the keys."

"That's perfect. Push your computer a few feet away from you, keep the keyboard. Sit down, and make a salt circle around your chair. Then try control alt delete"

"Oh, hell, it did not like that. There is now some kind of blue fire all around the monitor. It is also growling."

"That's expected in this kind of situation. I'm going to need you to type some words. Exactly as I relay them to you. Please no deviations, it would be a very bad thing. Do you know what direction you are currently facing?"

"I think North."

"That should be close enough. The windows tell me this isn't a particularly intelligent virus. Okay, first type this word. B-A-N-R-A-B-I-S-H-U. You are going to have to type this four times, one for each direction of the compass. Since this is digital we don't actually have to physically turn."

"Done, but I think it's about to explode, I'm really scared."

"It's not going to explode, but it is angry , so we need to get this done immediately. Now, take a deep breath and type the following word. B-A-N-M-A-S-K-I-M. Once again four times, one for each direction."

"The house is screaming. What do I do?"

"Quickly, throw salt over your monitor and CPU."

"It's burning and the room is returning to normal."

"Once everything is complete the fire should go out on it's own. After that please leave the house and wait outside in your car. There will be a couple gentlemen coming up from Salt Lake. I expect them there within the hour. They may be heavily armed so please do not panic. The will go into your house, retrieve your computer, any related materials and dispose of them. They will then secure and clear your home. After that they will probably hand you a check for replacement equipment. Be courteous and let them do whatever they need to do. If you don't the government will get involved and that is not something you would wish for."

"Okay, what else should I do."

"Honestly, I think we're pretty much done here. I just have a couple more questions and you can sit in your car and wait. First question, were you using an occult sites or were you looking at hentai? Please be honest, this will affect the response."

"Umm, hentai."

"That's what I suspected. Please avoid that particular site in the future. Second, if you find that I have provided superior service, please remain on the line for an automated survey. Thank you and have a wonderful day."

JRand to Support

Incident completed. Awaiting cleanup and processing. Will file PUFF through digital. Utilized Simon Necro to stop EDV class 7715. Please submit PC Hard Drive to MCB for disposal and PUFF.

I sent the email and headed back to bed. Before my head even hit the pillow my phone rang again.

"Tech Support, this is James, how may I help you?"


End file.
